you won't find him drinkin' at the tables

The thing about Natalia is, she's capable of just about anything. This is a fact that Chase keeps at the forefront of his mind on most days, letting himself sink into his work, letting himself focus without needing to overly worry about what she's doing for her job. If she needs to contact him, she will. If he needs to reach her, he can. It's a type of dynamic that he's never quite had before, forced to flourish on his own while still enjoying mutual support and respect.

It might be the healthiest relationship he's ever had.

When a day passes without a single word from her, Chase doesn't mind. When two pass, he doesn't think too much of it, sending a text just to keep himself on her radar, just to let her know that he cares.

When five days have passed, somehow the arbitrary line finds itself underneath Chase's feet, and he just knows: she's gone.

He takes the last two for himself, trying to sort his thoughts on the matter. She's not the first person to vanish from Darrow, and Chase doesn't think it's so simple as a crime keeping her out of reach. No, there's a way out of this, there's a way out of limbo, uncertainty, and the cracked ground of faith. He just hasn't found it yet.

Maybe that's okay, but it doesn't stop him from feeling the ache in his chest.

Sliding his hands into his pockets as he walks down the street, Chase can only think of two places to head, and one of them feels off-limits as of yet. Leaning lightly against the frame, Chase knocks sharply on Russell's door, hoping that the other man's home. He probably should have called ahead of time, but... well.

Things are bound to slip his mind more now.

rolling dice and staying out 'til three.

There was once a period of time, shortly before Chase married Allison, where he'd let himself go a little where looks were concerned. Styling his hair, shaving every single day, these were things he did when it was necessary to keep up appearances, when he didn't have a reputation to fall back on, and when decisions could be affected by the way he dressed or held himself. When most of his time was spent at an operating table, these things mattered less. When he was married, with a woman whom he believed loved him, and in most ways beyond the superficial, he didn't need to hold himself to an artificially high standard.

He regressed shortly after their separation, kept himself clean and proper, something more routine than before. All the way up to Darrow, and the unfamiliar space he needed to learn to navigate from the first step.

It's been nearly a year since he first arrived, and he almost got to the point of relaxing. If he went a day without applying mousse in his hair, it didn't matter. If he went a couple of days without shaving, it didn't matter. The people he surrounded himself with, the job that he'd sunk his teeth into, all of it was comfortable in a way that he never quite fully accepted, but accepted enough.

With one disappearance, all of that faded, and now Chase feels like he's walking a tightrope again. It's the reason why he returns to his apartment more often these days, the reason why he hasn't called most people or offered to hang out.

It's the reason why he finds himself standing in front of a church, considering more than ever the option of stepping inside.